What I have to go through

As I have to move from a huge house in the burbs to a two bedroom apartment one third the size, I had to come to terms with getting rid of everything but the essentials it feels like.  I had a friend over tonight and she took away a truck load of my belonging - our belongings.  Things that seemed important when we bought them, but now they just seem like trash.  My vision is so tainted by his attitude toward the whole mess that I just felt sick when the truck pulled away from the curb. 

I am having to deconstruct my whole life.  Not one detail is being left untouched.  The emotions I have felt the last three weeks, and still feel at this point, are overwhelming.  When is it going to stop?  The saddest part is that he is so solemn and seemingly unaffected by the whole thing.  The lack of emotion is so painful.  It makes me wonder when he last cared for me, if he can let me go through such pain and turmoil now.  I will never understand how my husband of almost 14 years can do this to me and feel that it is justified.  One month ago I was a happily married wife and now I am anything but that.

 

Coming to Terms with it All

Although everyday is a struggle, I have hope that I can begin again.  I have waves of pain and sorrow followed by resolve.  I find myself listening to "Halfway to Fivepoints by Anna Ternheim" everyday.  When I am feeling up I listen to "Today is a Good Day" and it gets me by.  The lyrics are bitter sweet and haunt me.

Today is a Good Day

Call me free today

If you see it my way

Time on my side

As well as my mind is

It's not with you  for sure

No, not anymore

I intend to stay away for good

Just a matter how I define

My state of mind

Today is a good day

Today is a good day

Without your company

I have so many holes to fill

At least seven nights a week

Killing time

I still feel fine, I guess

My life was a mess

When I shared it with you

I was lonely

Now I'm just alone

Just a matter how I define 

Just a matter how I define

My state of mind

Today is a good day

Just a scratch on my ego

I get up in the morning

If we could plan tomorrow

I'll be keeping my mind cold

Until the evening when the hours forget me

And the waiting awakes me

And the voices of madness

From the unconscious singing songs of sadness

Today is a good day

Today is a good day

Oh, such a good day

Today is a good day

Today is a good day

So many questions

I have so many questions in my head right now.  Why isn't he still in love with me?  Why is he doing this to me?  How did it come to this?  What did I do wrong?  How will I live without him?  Will I ever fully recouperate?  Will I find true love again?  Who would want me?  Can I do this on my own?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?

I am at the point that I know that it is over.  I have no power to change how he feels.  I feel so lonely and alone. I find it hard to look at him, smile, or laugh.  I have very little power over when and where I break down.  I don't want to be in the house we built together into a home.  It is now only a building, vacant of meaning.

The only thing I look forward to right now is moving into my apartment.  It will mean I won't have to spend so much time with him and I can create some space so I can heal.  It is going to be difficult to start over.  I thought he was my soulmate.  The man I would spend the rest of my life with.  My dream is over and I will have to find a new reality for myself.  My boy will now have two homes and I know he will be confused.  I never wanted this to happen to us.  I never wanted to raise my son in this way.  A divorced single mom in her fourties.  Great!    Perfect!  Who will want me?  I come with baggage.  I am more serious than I should be.  I can't lighten up.  I need some time to change my perspective on life, learn to enjoy life, and work on my health.  My self esteem needs a lot of work.  I need a lot of work.  I deserve to be happy. 

-Melinda