Restoring Balance in my Life

After hitting a new low I decided that I had had enough.  I went to my doctor and got on an antidepressant this week.  I had been wrestling with the idea for a long time, but couldn't bear to think that I couldn't make it on my own.  Well I couldn't - I needed help in a big way.  So far so good.  I hope things get better for me.  I deserve to be happy and healthy.

I'm doing it all for this guy.  The love of my life.  I want to be around a long time for him.

Reaching Out

Over the past weeks since my separation I have had many lows.  Each time I try to rally and tell myself that I will be stronger when this is all over.  I don't believe that any more.  I keep trying to reach out in subtle and sometimes not so subtle ways to tell people I need help dealing with this terrible turn of events.  I am a social worker.  In some small way I help people everyday try to deal with what is going on in their lives.  I wish I could do the same for myself.  I have hit another low and I have no one to depend on.  My husband, who I once thought was a god placed on earth just for me, has abandoned me- body and soul.  His cruelty knows no bounds.  I think he is proud of what he has reduced me to.  

My spirit has withered away.  I see no real purpose in life.  The sad thing is that no one even reads my blog.  This is all meaningless.

My First Birthday Alone in Fifteen Years

I recently had a birthday, my 41st birthday to be exact.  Last year on my birthday trip, my appendix ruptured and I waited a whole year to have a re-do.  I was looking forward to spending it the way I have the last fifteen years of my life, with the love of my life, only the love of my life brushed me out of his bubble of existence some time ago.  I dreaded the day, knowing it would be a difficult day and it was.  Although I had lunch with a close co-worker, and dinner with my beloved son and my trusted friend, I still felt like I was barely holding it together.  I had to go buy my own birthday present.  How often does someone have to do that after being married for so long? 

After fifteen years together I got an e-card and a single line on Facebook saying "Happy Birthday!"  I didn't even get a heartfelt telephone call.  It was just too easy.  Is that all I am worth?  I suppose so.  I went home that night, depressed and alone in my thoughts.  I went to bed, slept very little, and had terrible dreams.  At one point I woke myself up wimpering.  Is this how all of my birthdays to come will be?  Geez, I hope not.  It was my saddest, most depressing birthday ever. 

I had one ray of light that day - my beautiful son, sitting by my side, telling me over and over,

"I love you mom."

My First Week

I have just made it to the one week mark in my new apartment.  I still feel sad and alone.  I keep wondering when Keith will call me and tell me to come home.  I don't think that day is coming.  I have days where it is all I can do to keep from crying.  I am so lonely.  I have no one.  Only me and my thoughts.  I don't even feel like a person any more.  Just a shell.  When will I get past this point?  When will I smile and laugh again?  I have no confidence, my self esteem was shot the moment he declared that he was no longer in love with me.  I sleep in my new bed, but on the side that I have always slept on- half still waiting for him.  I yearn to be loved again.  To feel wanted and special.  To feel like I am intertwined happily in another person's life.  I am feeling such a great loss. 

Count Down to Moving Day

I am counting the days until I move into my new apartment.  I am feeling not only overwhelming loss, but an unusual sense of renewal.  How can I feel such opposing feeling at the same time.  I don't really know.  I have been having many "last experiences." My last Sunday breakfast.  My last weekend in my lovely house.  My last chance at any sense of togetherness with my husband and son.  It makes me so sad to think that my marriage is coming to an end. 

Soon I will be experiencing many firsts.  My first night alone in my apartment (no doubt many tears will be shed.)  My first meal cooked just for me and my son.  My first night alone when Logan goes to visit his father.  My first grocery trip where I don't have to ask myself "what's Keith hungry for?"  I have lived so many years thinking of my "two favorite guys" as I always call them.  Now it will only be me and my boy.  I don't know what to think or how to act.  My life is being reinvented and I'm not sure I like it very much.  Reinvented into what?  That remains to be seen. 

What I have to go through

As I have to move from a huge house in the burbs to a two bedroom apartment one third the size, I had to come to terms with getting rid of everything but the essentials it feels like.  I had a friend over tonight and she took away a truck load of my belonging - our belongings.  Things that seemed important when we bought them, but now they just seem like trash.  My vision is so tainted by his attitude toward the whole mess that I just felt sick when the truck pulled away from the curb. 

I am having to deconstruct my whole life.  Not one detail is being left untouched.  The emotions I have felt the last three weeks, and still feel at this point, are overwhelming.  When is it going to stop?  The saddest part is that he is so solemn and seemingly unaffected by the whole thing.  The lack of emotion is so painful.  It makes me wonder when he last cared for me, if he can let me go through such pain and turmoil now.  I will never understand how my husband of almost 14 years can do this to me and feel that it is justified.  One month ago I was a happily married wife and now I am anything but that.

 

Coming to Terms with it All

Although everyday is a struggle, I have hope that I can begin again.  I have waves of pain and sorrow followed by resolve.  I find myself listening to "Halfway to Fivepoints by Anna Ternheim" everyday.  When I am feeling up I listen to "Today is a Good Day" and it gets me by.  The lyrics are bitter sweet and haunt me.

Today is a Good Day

Call me free today

If you see it my way

Time on my side

As well as my mind is

It's not with you  for sure

No, not anymore

I intend to stay away for good

Just a matter how I define

My state of mind

Today is a good day

Today is a good day

Without your company

I have so many holes to fill

At least seven nights a week

Killing time

I still feel fine, I guess

My life was a mess

When I shared it with you

I was lonely

Now I'm just alone

Just a matter how I define 

Just a matter how I define

My state of mind

Today is a good day

Just a scratch on my ego

I get up in the morning

If we could plan tomorrow

I'll be keeping my mind cold

Until the evening when the hours forget me

And the waiting awakes me

And the voices of madness

From the unconscious singing songs of sadness

Today is a good day

Today is a good day

Oh, such a good day

Today is a good day

Today is a good day

So many questions

I have so many questions in my head right now.  Why isn't he still in love with me?  Why is he doing this to me?  How did it come to this?  What did I do wrong?  How will I live without him?  Will I ever fully recouperate?  Will I find true love again?  Who would want me?  Can I do this on my own?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?

I am at the point that I know that it is over.  I have no power to change how he feels.  I feel so lonely and alone. I find it hard to look at him, smile, or laugh.  I have very little power over when and where I break down.  I don't want to be in the house we built together into a home.  It is now only a building, vacant of meaning.

The only thing I look forward to right now is moving into my apartment.  It will mean I won't have to spend so much time with him and I can create some space so I can heal.  It is going to be difficult to start over.  I thought he was my soulmate.  The man I would spend the rest of my life with.  My dream is over and I will have to find a new reality for myself.  My boy will now have two homes and I know he will be confused.  I never wanted this to happen to us.  I never wanted to raise my son in this way.  A divorced single mom in her fourties.  Great!    Perfect!  Who will want me?  I come with baggage.  I am more serious than I should be.  I can't lighten up.  I need some time to change my perspective on life, learn to enjoy life, and work on my health.  My self esteem needs a lot of work.  I need a lot of work.  I deserve to be happy. 

-Melinda

New Beginnings

My life is changing.  My head is spinning from the speed at which that change is happening.  I am fourty, almost fourty one years old and I am starting over.  My husband wants to start over, I'll never know exactly why, but he wants a change, a new beginning for himself.  My long, beautiful marriage will be coming to an end in a few months, after we deal with the house and the lawyer and all that.  Then I have to pick myself up, clean myself off, and start a new life.  How am I going to do that?  At this point I can't go a day without crying my eyes out.  I don't know how to start over.  We have been together almost 15 years.  By far the best years of my sorry excuse for a life.  The loss I am feeling right now is overwhelming.  How do I do this? 

Digital Scrapbooking

I just added a slide show feature for my digital scrap booking pages I have made. I am using Memory Mixer and I am still learning so be patient. Enjoy.

Our Trip to St Louis In 2009

This is my first digital scrapbook layout from my new
Memory Mixer software.

-Melinda