Reaching Out

Over the past weeks since my separation I have had many lows.  Each time I try to rally and tell myself that I will be stronger when this is all over.  I don't believe that any more.  I keep trying to reach out in subtle and sometimes not so subtle ways to tell people I need help dealing with this terrible turn of events.  I am a social worker.  In some small way I help people everyday try to deal with what is going on in their lives.  I wish I could do the same for myself.  I have hit another low and I have no one to depend on.  My husband, who I once thought was a god placed on earth just for me, has abandoned me- body and soul.  His cruelty knows no bounds.  I think he is proud of what he has reduced me to.  

My spirit has withered away.  I see no real purpose in life.  The sad thing is that no one even reads my blog.  This is all meaningless.

My First Birthday Alone in Fifteen Years

I recently had a birthday, my 41st birthday to be exact.  Last year on my birthday trip, my appendix ruptured and I waited a whole year to have a re-do.  I was looking forward to spending it the way I have the last fifteen years of my life, with the love of my life, only the love of my life brushed me out of his bubble of existence some time ago.  I dreaded the day, knowing it would be a difficult day and it was.  Although I had lunch with a close co-worker, and dinner with my beloved son and my trusted friend, I still felt like I was barely holding it together.  I had to go buy my own birthday present.  How often does someone have to do that after being married for so long? 

After fifteen years together I got an e-card and a single line on Facebook saying "Happy Birthday!"  I didn't even get a heartfelt telephone call.  It was just too easy.  Is that all I am worth?  I suppose so.  I went home that night, depressed and alone in my thoughts.  I went to bed, slept very little, and had terrible dreams.  At one point I woke myself up wimpering.  Is this how all of my birthdays to come will be?  Geez, I hope not.  It was my saddest, most depressing birthday ever. 

I had one ray of light that day - my beautiful son, sitting by my side, telling me over and over,

"I love you mom."

My First Week

I have just made it to the one week mark in my new apartment.  I still feel sad and alone.  I keep wondering when Keith will call me and tell me to come home.  I don't think that day is coming.  I have days where it is all I can do to keep from crying.  I am so lonely.  I have no one.  Only me and my thoughts.  I don't even feel like a person any more.  Just a shell.  When will I get past this point?  When will I smile and laugh again?  I have no confidence, my self esteem was shot the moment he declared that he was no longer in love with me.  I sleep in my new bed, but on the side that I have always slept on- half still waiting for him.  I yearn to be loved again.  To feel wanted and special.  To feel like I am intertwined happily in another person's life.  I am feeling such a great loss.