I am counting the days until I move into my new apartment. I am feeling not only overwhelming loss, but an unusual sense of renewal. How can I feel such opposing feeling at the same time. I don't really know. I have been having many "last experiences." My last Sunday breakfast. My last weekend in my lovely house. My last chance at any sense of togetherness with my husband and son. It makes me so sad to think that my marriage is coming to an end.
Soon I will be experiencing many firsts. My first night alone in my apartment (no doubt many tears will be shed.) My first meal cooked just for me and my son. My first night alone when Logan goes to visit his father. My first grocery trip where I don't have to ask myself "what's Keith hungry for?" I have lived so many years thinking of my "two favorite guys" as I always call them. Now it will only be me and my boy. I don't know what to think or how to act. My life is being reinvented and I'm not sure I like it very much. Reinvented into what? That remains to be seen.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
What I have to go through
As I have to move from a huge house in the burbs to a two bedroom apartment one third the size, I had to come to terms with getting rid of everything but the essentials it feels like. I had a friend over tonight and she took away a truck load of my belonging - our belongings. Things that seemed important when we bought them, but now they just seem like trash. My vision is so tainted by his attitude toward the whole mess that I just felt sick when the truck pulled away from the curb.
I am having to deconstruct my whole life. Not one detail is being left untouched. The emotions I have felt the last three weeks, and still feel at this point, are overwhelming. When is it going to stop? The saddest part is that he is so solemn and seemingly unaffected by the whole thing. The lack of emotion is so painful. It makes me wonder when he last cared for me, if he can let me go through such pain and turmoil now. I will never understand how my husband of almost 14 years can do this to me and feel that it is justified. One month ago I was a happily married wife and now I am anything but that.
I am having to deconstruct my whole life. Not one detail is being left untouched. The emotions I have felt the last three weeks, and still feel at this point, are overwhelming. When is it going to stop? The saddest part is that he is so solemn and seemingly unaffected by the whole thing. The lack of emotion is so painful. It makes me wonder when he last cared for me, if he can let me go through such pain and turmoil now. I will never understand how my husband of almost 14 years can do this to me and feel that it is justified. One month ago I was a happily married wife and now I am anything but that.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Coming to Terms with it All
Although everyday is a struggle, I have hope that I can begin again. I have waves of pain and sorrow followed by resolve. I find myself listening to "Halfway to Fivepoints by Anna Ternheim" everyday. When I am feeling up I listen to "Today is a Good Day" and it gets me by. The lyrics are bitter sweet and haunt me.
Today is a Good Day
Call me free today
If you see it my way
Time on my side
As well as my mind is
It's not with you for sure
No, not anymore
I intend to stay away for good
Just a matter how I define
My state of mind
Today is a good day
Today is a good day
Without your company
I have so many holes to fill
At least seven nights a week
Killing time
I still feel fine, I guess
My life was a mess
When I shared it with you
I was lonely
Now I'm just alone
Just a matter how I define
Just a matter how I define
My state of mind
Today is a good day
Just a scratch on my ego
I get up in the morning
If we could plan tomorrow
I'll be keeping my mind cold
Until the evening when the hours forget me
And the waiting awakes me
And the voices of madness
From the unconscious singing songs of sadness
Today is a good day
Today is a good day
Oh, such a good day
Today is a good day
Today is a good day
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